Why Rovio is a joke

Hi, my name is Rovio.  I want your $$$.  My CEO is running around telling everyone I’m gonna be bigger than Disney. Here’s why you should invest in me and lose your money.

Introducing Steve Ballmer 2.0

1. I suck at making games.  I have one hit, Angry Birds.  To make this hit, I used someone else’s physics engine and ripped off a game called Crush the Castle without permission.  Crush the Castle had catapults chucking rocks at knights wearing armor in a castle.  In order to not get sued, I changed the catapult to a slingshot, rocks to birds, and knights to pigs.  Except I was too lazy to take the armor off the pigs.

People bought my hack game anyway and turned it into a brand.  I owe this all to our graphic designers, who were able to create bird characters and pigs that are iconic and memorable.  Unlike everyone else who works for me, these graphic designers are great and hopefully they get poached soon.  The rest of our programmers on the otherhand are useless.

They have no clue how to make a new game to carry this brand.  Then again my programmers just jack stuff so that’s to be expected.  Since my graphic designers are the only good employees, I have to put them to work and have them reskin the same game over and over for the next 2-3 years.  That way I can pretend I’m releasing brand new games and fool everyone.

2. Since my game design skills suck, I figured we can make more money by selling bird toys and t-shirts. Obviously this won’t last because people are gonna get sick of them, but I’m gonna pretend it will.

Mmmm hmmm yea

3. My CEO is running around telling everyone I’m gonna be the next Disney.  You should believe him because comparisons are everywhere.  Disney put out several cartoons and films to further the brand.  I only have one game.  Disney pioneered audio video technology in his cartoons.  My one game pioneers nothing.  It took Disney 3 years to create his first animated feature.  It takes me a couple months to reskin my one game for Chinese New Year.  It took Disney over 30 years before they went public and by then they’d put out Bambi, Mickey Mouse, Snow White, Fantasia, Alice and Wonderland, Peter Pan, etc and proven they can duplicate success several times over.  I want your money now and all I got is this one game.

4. My CEO doesn’t give a shit about protecting IP.  He’s happy China hijacked my Angry Birds IP to create an unofficial theme park.  Later on, if someone gets killed on a ride over there and a PR backlash happens that affects me, hopefully he will still be happy.

nice legs, ugly face

5. My CEO is bringing back balloons from China for me to copy.  This is because my marketing group is asleep.

Cheers to everyone who has the foresight to short me in a few years.

ugly girl ruins the picture once again


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